I have kids that come and go. They are 23 and 27. They don’t live here, but they come more often than when they were in college. It took me a while to get accustomed to the coming and goings. Each time, I was surprised when the tears welled up as the bags piled up by the front door. You know, that nagging ache that blankets your gut when your children take flight. Really, it’s no different than the first day of kindergarten, or the overnight middle school trip, or relinquishing the car keys, or walking up the steps of the freshman dorm and being greeted by the smell of pot wafting from the windows, or offering advice about bosses who are borderline abusive. Each time, that pit down deep tells you to grab them tight and not let go…
Don’t get onto that bus. Don’t get into the car. Don’t step foot in that office.
But you don’t. You love and respect them too much to do that. Really. But we’re the ones who know. We know what we’ve given them. We know where they’ve been. We know what they are capable of. But we don’t know where they’ll go. So we talk like we've been demoted, telling them to text us when they get there. But they know.
No Such Thing As An Empty Nest
I have changed my tune over the last few years about empty nests. The pain is unbearable at first. The empty place at the dinner table cannot possibly heal. Then it’s swell. Candlelight dinners at 9 and adult conversations. Could all this freedom be real? Now I’ve come to the conclusion that there really is no such thing as an empty nest. They come. They go.
My friend Carrie’s daughter has moved home. I can tell it’s not easy. But it’s necessary. She writes an eloquent account of the situation, asking herself whether or not she’s mom enough for this new phase of parenting.
The Ones Who Know
A few years ago, I interviewed singer, Dar Williams. The themes of her music speak to many issues that resonate with me…the environment, family. Dar has young children and wrote this song as they began their journey. She echoes the ones who really know.
The One Who Knows Dar Williams
Time it was I had a dream, and you're the dream come true. If I had the world to give, I'd give it all to you. I'll take you to the mountains; I will take you to the sea. I'll show you how this life became a miracle to me.
You'll fly away, but take my hand until that day. So when they ask how far love goes, When my job's done you'll be the one who knows.
All the things you treasure most will be the hardest won. I will watch you struggle long before the answers come. But I won't make it harder, I'll be there to cheer you on, I'll shine the light that guides you down the road you're walking on.
You'll fly away, but take my hand until that day. So when they ask how far love goes, When my job's done you'll be the one who knows.
Before the mountains call to you, before you leave this home, I want to teach your heart to trust, as I will teach my own, But sometimes I will ask the moon where it shined upon you last, And shake my head and laugh and say it all went by too fast.
You'll fly away, but take my hand until that day. So when they ask how far love goes, when my job's done you'll be the one who knows.
Discover Dar Williams’ music here.
Photo: Chris Scott Snyder